Who are we now?

It’s been hard for me to write anything lately, and more than anything, I love to write.  Not here, not within personal projects, not even inwardly in my notebook that no one reads but me, and maybe my dog Bailey from over my shoulder.  May and June were a reflective blur of coinciding emotions after the storm of fear that April unleashed here in NYC. I still have moments where I wonder, looking back, if I’ve done, felt, and thought the “right” things through every step of this madness, but I think at the end of the day all we can do is our best.  Here I sit on my giant grey couch in my oversized grey Adidas tee, old and faded, blending in like a chameleon, somehow finding the urge to write through my 4th of July hangover, staring at my view of the Empire State Building.

It’s impossible to know what the outcome of this will be, so I continuously tell myself that we will get through- because no matter what we will, we might just be different people on the other side.  I’ve witnesses friends have breakdowns, breakups, call me questioning every aspect of their lives, others have fled for the home of parents, friends, or gone to the country during the wildest moments of this experience.  I personally have decided its just best to stay off airplanes until 2021, which has been extremely hard for someone who travels as easily as they breathe.  But on top of literal blockades I feel trapped, restricted, and analytical.  Days are either peaceful and reflective or stressful and long.  But I know this is just a moment, challenging, stretched, and pulling from us the things maybe we didn’t know we needed to feel, see, or examine.  Exacting the things we will put up with, showing us what we want, and making us see what’s important.

Allow yourself to sit still through this experience, in your uncomfortableness, and really reach for the things you not only want, but the things in actuality you need.  Sometimes they are not the same.  I don’t know about you, but the acceptance and love for myself has grown over this period, allowing me to see clearly the directions I want my life to go.  The thing COVID has taught me, truly, is that you can’t plan your whole life out like a script, with queues and directions for the next play- a lesson I have repeatedly learned over the past 5 years.  You can show the world, the universe and the people around you who you are, where your heart lies, where your intentions lie, but you can’t force the outcome, you can only exist in your true self and see what happens.  We really have no control.  In a way this is the most valuable lesson I could have learned during this time.  The year of ultimate goals has turned into the year of ultimate growth.  So maybe 2020 is not a wash after all, it’s just not what we all expected it to be.

See you on the other side.

It will all be OK, Oni~

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