It's been a while since last I posted, since then the weather here in NYC has waved on to the next season in a flurry of clean and peaceful white that flashes outside of my tall loft windows. I have 24 drafts of 1/2 begun articles and posts saved over the past couple months, some spilling my guts about various topics, others are excerpts from my book en progress but none of them lit a fire in me enough to post them today.
This week I spent a lot of time having adventures, my favorite thing to do and in fact the one thing that really makes me feel alive. I actually believe that the sole reason for living beyond human relationships of all sorts is not just to live and breathe, but to really LIVE. Sometimes an adventure is walking in a snowstorm to an art exhibit, sometimes it’s a wild night out, or hopping on an airplane, and then sometimes it's taking the steps you need to really see yourself. Those moments in life when your soul is on fire because you know you will never be able to relive or replay the thing or feeling you just experienced. That is an adventure. Some people could give a shit about an adventure and are totally content watching Everybody Loves Raymond on repeat, but that is what keeps me feeling alive.
Since my week was so full of warmth and buzz I thought a lot about life in general and what I’ve spent the past few years of my life doing. Not everything was filled with exploit, fun and glorious trips around the world, life is hard people, (insert laughter here) even when life is good. I used to measure happiness as something that you had to gain, something that you got to at the end of a line, at the end of a relationship or the end of a career. But happiness is not the end of anything, it’s the beginning of everything. Growing up and through out different intervals of my life everything was a challenge, something I had to overcome or get out of, or figure out on my own, even as a child. For a long time I didn’t understand that happiness really was not the end game, but it is instead a choice. I looked back at the past few years, ebb and flow of challenges and adventures and saw myself making the choice to be happy.
The truth is, allowing myself to be present through all times, not just the good ones allowed me to truly enjoy every moment of life and be present. I no longer see guidelines for what my life should be, as mementos to mark off a list and cause me happiness. Life is the happiness, grabbing coffee is happiness, walking your dog is an adventure, love is joy, seeing and doing the things you love to do is what keeps you living.
One of my best friends called me today quite upset, feeling as if everything was messed up and she wasn’t in the place she should be. I told her that at the end of the day her mindset is her ultimate choice; she has every right to be sad but should look towards the future with good thoughts and intent. We may not always be where we love, or feel how we want to feel, but we can choose to move on from those things and choose to live our “happy ending” every day. Feeling sad or out of place is just temporary, but you have to believe that. You have to believe in your happiness.
The real happy ending is not an ending at all, it’s the fucking beginning.
Signing off from my living room, next to a snoring dog. x Oni*