Do you know how I learned to swim? My father pushed me in the pool; I flailed and squirmed and then just like that, I swam. But for an entire 10 seconds I thought I was going to die. This may sound cruel from the outside in, but if no one had pushed me to question what my limitations are are maybe I would have never found out, maybe I would have taken years to learn to swim, maybe I would have been too scared to go into the deep end. When you’re pushed in, water to your ears and your feet can’t touch the ground you have no choice but to survive, and then you do. I often view life this way, I often see relationships this way, and when I go to a wedding I often see it as being pushed into the pool of love. You could easily fail, it could all come crashing down, but in the face of the person you love you are jumping in feet first with all of your intentions to survive, to thrive, to grow and love. I thought about this as I walked down the aisle across from a groomsman I had never met before, attempting to smile, stand up strait and not fall on my too-long dress. I pushed the thoughts of fear and drowning aside to focus on my beautiful friend as we waited for her to come down the aisle. As soon as I saw her I was overcome with joy, reminiscence and love. I felt tears fill up in the corners of my eyes. I looked at her groom and watched as he watched her, as he started to cry.
“Oh fucking Jesus.” I whispered to myself; I hate to cry in public.
My best friend, also the brides sister heard me and smirked in my direction. I shamefully started to cry and lifted my head up sporadically pretending to look at everything but the people sitting in the church as tears flung from my eyes like angry faucets. I cried in happiness for my friend, I cried for everything I was sad about but didn’t know it, and I cried because even if for a moment I imagined meeting someone that I loved enough to wear a stupid white dress for in front of 100 people.
The ceremony was long and filled with rituals that I didn’t know anything about, but I gladly partook in the adornment, in pure joy. It is silly I thought to myself, that so many people find fear in marriage, so many men run from marriage, so many people walk into marriage with ill intentions or no intentions at all. As I watched the backside of my beautiful friend I could feel her aura of happiness glow and beam off of her; it was contagious. Why would anyone be fearful of something so beautiful, so filled with light and love and intention of starting something new.
“Marriage.” I whispered out loud to myself as one of my girlfriends tugged on my arm in order to lead me towards the door. I smiled at her.
(Side note- when choosing what I wanted to share I suddenly and rarely got shy. All of a sudden my writing was very personal (some of which it really is) and I opted for something that was easier for me to post. So next time around I hope that courage is on my side and I can post something much more personal, but tonight was not the night. Cheers to being vulnerable in your writing and in life x)