Updated: Oct 24, 2020
In January I announced that I was starting an advice column, I was overwhelmed with support from loved ones, readers and followers, and after (surprisingly- lol) many DM’s, emails and comments turned into complicated life teetering questions I landed on a couple juicy ones to launch with, so here we go with the very 1st Oni is on it, issue 1!
(All names have been changed)
My first question came from Cindy, Cindy wrote:
“Hey Oni, I’ve followed you on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram for years now, seen how you have always chased your dreams, taken chances, you always seem to be jet-setting and living life to your fullest and it seems like you are always on to the next adventure or business venture. Even though we don’t know each other outside of a few likes and comments I feel like I’ve seen your life progress and change and that’s so cool. Anyway, I saw your post about giving advice and I thought you would be a great person to ask about this specific topic… I am currently in a relationship, but there is something inside of me that feels like I need to see what else is out there, outside of my life, my current circumstances and even the person I love. We have been together for a few years but I just don’t feel fulfilled, and I’m not sure if it really has anything to do with him or us, I just personally feel like I need to figure out who I am and what’s outside of Seattle. I’m 29, I want to travel, I want to explore, I want to see if there is more in the world for me than what I currently have. I am scared to lose him, or more so scared to walk away from something, or someone that is good in my life. Do you have any advice for me, or suggestions for someone that feels like I do? You come across pretty fearless and seem to take chances, so I’m interested to see what kind of advice you would have for someone in my situation, feeling like I am.”
Oh hey Cindy. What up girl? First of all wow, there’s a lot to unpack here let’s dive in. My first gut instinct when reading this, the first thing I sense is a feeling of being trapped, it seems as if you are trying to escape something, be it your boyfriend, your circumstances, maybe even yourself.
Where is your sense of urgency coming from?
When you close your eyes and think about the feeling of being trapped, of being stuck within your current situation what is causing that feeling, what is associated with that feeling? Start there, write down the triggers, be them ideas, people, a visual, a memory, write them down so that you are aware of the root of that emotion and lock it in.
When people start questioning fulfillment within themselves in relation to another human that is a red flag to me. Let’s separate those 2 ideas shall we: 1 being that you feel unfulfilled, and 2 being that you have been with your boyfriend for a few years. Your boyfriend is not the cause to you being personally unfulfilled(which I’m sure you know already), however your quickness to associate those 2 things speaks to the fact that you are trying to dissect your need for growth within yourself and your need to move forward from your relationship. Those 2 things can coexist and still be very real, however your self growth, you feeling unfulfilled is reliant not on your relationship but yourself. The first step that you can take on your new path of growth and self love is to listen to your instincts, instincts that were so strong that you felt inclined as to write a stranger and ask for advice. Tap into that, follow those instincts and learn from what you are feeling, what you wrote down and sent to me.
I would also ask yourself why you are so afraid to share your current feelings and thoughts with the person you love, if he truly loves you he will support you, even if that means the end of your relationship. It is scary, and that’s ok- you can acknowledge that going in, exist in that moment of fear but allow it to propel you forward… the unknown ahead is filled with your future possibilities. My greatest advice would be to run towards the things that scare you and not look back. I know that may sound overwhelming and aggressive but that doesn’t mean you have to throw away anything that you currently have, you are just walking towards things that you need to grow, and fill your soul.
For a little perspective, I have personally been in a situation before where I was in a relationship and was searching for jobs in other cities and considering situations that were new or did not include my significant other, and in hindsight yes that person was not for me, but more importantly I was chasing things I genuinely needed for myself. I was chasing things that helped me grow and figure out who I am in the long run. It also helped me realize what is actually important in my life and what I do need/want which is something needed for any successful relationship.
Now, back to where we started, remember that trigger word I asked you to pinpoint? Take that trigger word that you wrote down, look at it, absorb it and how it makes you feel. What initially caused you to feel trapped. Now think about the exact opposite of that emotion, happiness, glory, ice cream lol, whatever it may be and hold on to that good feeling. Take the piece of paper with your trigger word/s and crumple it up…. and throw that shit away. Let it go, free that emotion, it is no longer associated with your curiosity, your fear, or your current situation, because you are going to chase the things you want from life, wholeheartedly and free.
It will all be OK, Oni~